I’m Sorry Mom and Dad.

“Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you can’t act stupid.”
- Morris “Mud” Himmel, Camp Nowhere

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for getting kicked out of several preschools.  I’m even sorrier that I was too young to understand that you had your own problems, and that the last thing you needed was to come home to a son who just got expelled for hitting his teacher with a lunch box because she wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that you had to pay for years of private school.  I’m even sorrier that you had to do this because the public school system threatened to put me into classes with the “special needs” children if I did not leave.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for learning how to copy DVDs and then selling them over the internet in an attempt to turn a small profit only to have the FBI call the house barking empty threats.  I’m even sorrier that I was 12.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for breaking into my Middle School Principal’s email account and sending letters to all the teachers that said “I’m Gay” under his name.  I’m even sorrier that you had to beg, plead, and ultimately buy a new gymnasium scoreboard in order to keep me from getting expelled.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that I only pretended to take my prescription Adderall before school.  I’m even sorrier that I sold it to my friends during recess.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for splitting a liter of rum with some friends before a football game freshman year of High School, and then throwing up in a friend’s car while her mom drove us, only to later lie to you and blame it on a “bad taco salad” that I had ate.  I’m even sorrier that my friend’s dad was my science teacher, and that the car in which I puked did in fact belong to him.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that I learned how to drive when I was 14 by joyriding in your car at 2 in the morning while you were out of town.  I’m even sorrier that I was really really high when I did it.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for failing an impromptu drug test after getting in the car with you under the false pretense that you were “taking me to the mall to buy new shoes” and then somehow ending up at the doctor’s office.  I’m even sorrier that I admitted guilt only to later find out that the tests did in fact come back negative.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that you had to give me that extremely long and painful lecture on why smoking weed will eventually lead to my demise.  I’m even sorrier that I got arrested later that day for smoking weed.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that you had to go to court with me after I got arrested for smoking weed.  I’m even sorrier that I was friends with 3 other kids that we saw at the courthouse.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for getting kicked out of wrestling camp because they found a bag of pot in my bag.  I’m even sorrier that they had to call my Uncle to pick me up and actually explain what “marijuana” was to him because you guys were out of the country.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for “breaking your trust” so many times that you decided to remove the door from my room.  I’m even sorrier that I was left with no choice but to toss a towel over a pull-up bar in an attempt to create some sort of make shift shanty door as its replacement.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that I wrecked my car when I was 16 and then fled the scene of the crime.  I’m even sorrier that after you spent over an hour waking me up, the most accurate location of the car that I could give you was “at the corner of Tampa road and eleven dollars and fifty-six cents.”

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for coming home after curfew and toasting a sandwich in the conventional oven because the toaster oven was broken.  I’m even sorrier that it set off the fire alarm and when you came to investigate what had happened, you found me passed out in my room with the lights, TV, and my shoes still on.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that Rizzo and I shot out all of his neighbor’s outdoor lights, as well as a one-of-a-kind stained glass window, with a BB gun.  I’m even sorrier that neighbor happened to be a family friend and that it was Rizzo’s mom’s birthday on the day we were caught.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that I drove 100 miles in the wrong direction on my way home from a night club one night.  I’m even sorrier that after a cop pulled me over and told me to “wait for my safe ride,” I only waited for him to leave before I got right back on the road.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for sneaking out, getting drunk, and wrecking my car.  I’m even sorrier that the best explanation I could come up with was that “someone must have stole it, wrecked it, and brought it back” in the morning.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that you have had to endure all of the above.  I’m even sorrier that these are only the things that happened before I turned 18.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for the tens of thousands of dollars you have spent on my legal fees over the years.  I’m even sorrier that tens of thousands is not a typo.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad that this list only contains about 6% of the things for which I’m sorry.  I’m even sorrier that I can’t remember 94% of my life’s regrets.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for always being the ringleader of mischievous activity and not giving you some friend to blame for “negatively influencing” me.  I’m even sorrier that you didn’t realize this until about 2 weeks ago.

I’m Sorry Mom and Dad for ignoring almost every piece of advice that you have ever given me.  I’m even sorrier for the mistakes I will make in the years to come.

Love,

Your Son