The Key West Chronicles

Part 1

This is the Chronicle that started them all.  During March of 2007, a friend and I took an impromptu trip down to Key West to join our friends whom were already on Spring Break.  I was 20 at the time, and when I returned from the trip, I just started writing down what had happened because it was pretty surreal.  I had no notes, no camera (although I have since gathered a few pictures from friends), and barely any memory; the fact that I could naturally remember a ton of details is still a mystery to me.  I’ve edited it (barely) since then because my writing skills were even shittier; but I’ve left the tone and voice of my 20-year-old self as is.  Believe it or not, I was even more of a Dumbass back then.  Without further ado, I present to you The Key West Chronicles.

Day 1 – 6:30am

The most obnoxious sound known to man bangs away: the alarm clock.  Today is different though; it makes a different tune, one that is music to my ears instead of trauma to my brain.  Today I awake for a different reason.  Instead of school or work, I wake for the first day of Spring Break.  The first day of four, filled with tequila and poor decisions.  I shower up, ready my luggage, and await the 7:15am arrival of my ride.

Day 1 – 7:15am

Sitting by the curb, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my partner in crime.

Day 1 – 7:30am

Still waiting.

Day 1 – 7:45am

The glorious sight of headlights in the morning dew finally turns the corner.  A car with a driver and a passenger pulls up to lay eyes on a kid clearly ready for Spring Break.  Standing there in a wife beater and boardshorts, with sunglasses already on, I hold a sign that reads “Will Sell Soul For Casual Sex With Drunk College Chick” (true), the flip side reading “Or Local Key West Homosexual” (lie, well the sign did say that).  As the car nears, I see laughter on two faces; the driver at the time, female, and the passenger, the soon to be road trip amigo, AJ (he has a few cameos in The Memphis Chronicles).  I throw my baggage in the back seat and proceed to dive in after it.  We are on the way to the airport to drop off said buddy’s girlfriend, and then she’s lending us her car so we can wheel our way through this adventure (yeah, she’s a keeper).  The entire way to the airport, I shamelessly harass and hound AJ’s girlfriend about how awesome it’s going to be when we get drunk and sleep with strippers.  She is not amused.

Day 1 – 8:30am

We arrive at the Orlando International Airport.  We park the car where it says “unloading only” and all pile out.  Being the gentlemen that we are, we grab her 2 poke-a-dotted suitcases and roll them into the airport.  As I get in line, a strange man comes between the happy couple and me.  AJ strolls passed the man and says “we’re together” in a very Key West manner.  Hey, we are practicing.  He gives said girlfriend a kiss goodbye; I try for the same but only get a hug.  We head back to the car smiling like idiots.  On the way to the car we notice a female airport employee trying to ticket our ride.  I flirt with her shamelessly as she continues to act uninterested.  I apologize for parking there and tell her we are on our way to the Keys for a vacation, and that “I love her.”  She says she “does not love me” but seems forgiving.  As she walks away I shout “Dibs.”  She laughs, either with an agreeing tone or an amused one; it doesn’t matter.  Ok, so now the adventure begins.

Day 1 – 8:45am

We depart the airport on our way to the Keys, but we do indeed have 1 minor detour.  We are meeting a friend near Tampa before we depart.  Why you ask?  Well he is a street pharmacist who has some medicine I need for a hurt foot (true).  If my foot was not in pain, we would have skipped the detour (lie).  We shuffle around the car desperately searching for a CD not composed by Shanya Twain; luckily I had a couple random mixes in my bag.  We grab one, throw it in and we’re off to Tampa for the medicinal rendez vous.

Day 1 – 9:30am

We arrive at the meeting place, which is very close to I-75.  We get there several minutes ahead of schedule, so we have time to grab our first gas station-style meal (the first of many).  I go with the buffalo chicken sandwich, AJ with the cuban.  After the very nice station employee heats my sandwich for me, along with selling me a Sparks which I was clearly not IDed for, I walk outside to see AJ, already meeting with our street pharmacist.  We share some jokes, make some exchanges, and then part ways.  AJ and I pile back into the car, with much excitement, for now Spring Break has kicked into high gear.  We depart the meeting place with auspicious attitudes, for all is well.

Day 1 – 9:45am

We take I-4 to I-75 South, Key West here we come!

Day 1 – 10:30am

Me  ”Are we there yet?”
AJ  ”No, shut up.”

After exchanging several agreeing glances…

Me  “Um yeah, so is it about that time?”
AJ  “Definitely.”

We each pop our first “Skittle” (as they will be referred to for the remainder of this story).  He chases it down with a red bull (refusing to drink and drive because it’s his girlfriend’s car, apparently he too is a keeper), and I shoot mine down the hatch with the tail end of my Sparks.  Allow me to digress for just a moment.

You’re probably wondering what exactly a “skittle” is?  And since it’s a reoccurring character throughout this entire story, I’ll lead you in the right direction.  I’m not going to give you the exact name, but it wasn’t heroin, oxycotton, or ecstasy; why a lot of people think two dudes would be dropping E during an 8 hour car ride without any women is beyond me.  Furthermore, I do not recommend mixing drugs and alcohol.  Even though this is something I practiced for many years when I was younger, it’s just not a good idea.  I’m more of the “do as I say, not as I do” type.  I’m only 3 years older than when this story took place, and I already look at life much differently.  So many times growing up, I could’ve (should’ve) died.  People are going to do whatever they want regardless, so I guess the bottom line here is just don’t blame me if you die from mixing pills and booze.  Back to the story.

I quietly crush my empty Sparks can and get ready to toss it out the window; I’m stopped.

AJ  “Dude, don’t think about throwing that out the window.”
Me  “Bro, I was gonna look behind me and make sure it’s not a cop.”
AJ  “Just don’t litter.”
Me  “Are you joking?”
AJ  “Naw man, just throw it on the floor.”
Me  “Um, ok?”

A kid who has no problem driving 45 minutes out of the way to buy substances of a questionable legal standing, but has a moral dilemma with littering; go figure.  We continue the trek.

Day 1 – 11:00am

Flying down I-75 with much excitement, we begin to discuss anything and everything.  I believe the medicine is starting to help ease the pain.

Me  “Man, I’m startin to feel a bit loopy.”
AJ  “Yeah, I was just gonna say that cause I got a little buzz going on.”
Me  “I think it’s a mixture of the skittle, the Sparks, and the excitement that’s got me feeling really nice and relaxed.”

We agree and continue jabbering on like school girls, talking about life, the excitement of the rest of the trip, and of course women.

Day 1 – 12:00pm

We are making good time as we discover our first vehicle of Spring Breakers.  We notice a New Jersey license plate with 4 girls inside.  The pillows smashed against the windows and the excited looks on their faces, which are barely visible behind their oversized glasses, give it away that they came to party.  Now it’s time to initiate contact, that’s where I come in.  The girls lag about 4 car lengths behind us in our lane, so I use my hand to motion them forward.  Immediately a turn signal comes on and they begin to speed up.  Once we’ve reach level ground, I try and make contact.  I hold up a key in one hand, and construct a “W” made up of four of my fingers in the other; clearly implying, “Key West?”  The driver does not turn her head our direction one iota, this is odd considering they saw my hand motion and made the advancement.  Maybe they did not find us attractive enough to acknowledge?  Not possible.  I came to one of two conclusions: either they were too fucked up to know what was going on, or they were lesbians.  After a very disappointing interaction, we speed away.  I take another skittle; AJ takes a half.

Me  “Pussy.”

Day 1 – 1:30pm

Still making excellent time, I realize it’s time for our first bathroom break, and the car could use a little gas, not to mention we are about to get on the Turnpike, which for some reason has no exits, so now is our safest bet (that was one fuck of a run-on sentence).  AJ and I each throw $10 towards the cause, and I enter the Shell station.  I hustle to the men’s restroom, and of course the stall is out of order.  I go to the cashier and ask her if it would be ok for me to use the women’s restroom (usually I would just do it without approval, but the skittles had me in a very friendly, obedient mood).  She replies “Um sure, just make it quick before anyone else shows up.”  I do that “half walk half jog” thing to the restroom so I don’t shit myself.  I enter the restroom, and apparently I wasn’t the first male in there, or perhaps it was one of the lesbians from Jersey, because it did not smell good.  I take care of business as quickly as possible and get out.  I walk through the store trying to find a drink that contains energy and alcohol, but of course the largest gas station I have ever been in has nothing of the sort.  I walk out to the car, 1 quarter frustrated, 3 quarters loopy (from the skittles) and approach AJ, who’s just finished filling up the car.  I tell him of their lack of beverages; we drive to a neighboring Publix.  To my surprise, we are able to locate a 4 pack of Tilt.  I wait outside, disgruntled and IDless as AJ pays for the drinks (with my money of course).  After nearly colliding with several cars in the parking lot, we are back on the road with Key West in our future.

Day 1 – 2:30pm

We are about 100 miles out of Key West; this is where the drive becomes mind numbing.  It’s a two-lane road so our speed has dropped from 100 to 45.  AJ, being the skinny fat kid that he is, feels the need to hit up a Burger King.  2 skittles and 2 and a half Tilts deep, I am in no mood to disagree, with anything.  As we enter, a drunk guy walks passed me spitting out the words “you having fun?”  I reply with “always brother.”  He nods, accepting my answer, and stumbles out the front door.  I use the restroom for another much needed tinkle while AJ gets in line to order something which I can only assume will lead to future heart murmurs.  After using the not so clean bathroom, I meet AJ in line.

AJ  “You getting anything?”
Me  “I’m all set.”

The lady behind the counter, who for her sake better have a great personality, hands AJ his order and we head back towards the car.  As we walk outside, I see the drunk gentleman and his buddy near their truck.  The drunk buddy is sitting in the passenger seat, the drunker buddy whom I had brushed into was leaning on the back of the truck with his head down.  AJ and I both agree that it would be a better idea that we get on the road before they do.  We hop in the car, and I wash down the other half of AJ’s skittle with the latter half of my 3^rd Tilt; back on the road again.

Day 1 – 4:00pm

As I finish reading a script to AJ that I hope to shoot in the summer time (we actually just finished shooting this is October 2009; I was only 2 and a half years behind schedule), we have hit our first Key.  I can’t remember the name of it, but there are many more to come that I can also not name, so it’s not important.  The road has been two-lanes for quite sometime now, with occasional pauses for traffic jams.  We have spotted a car full of Kentucky Spring Break chicks and await our opportunity for contact as soon as the road turns to 4 lanes.  I’m now finishing my 4^th and final Tilt, which to my surprise is miraculously still cold.  Again I offer AJ some of the drink, but he still refuses.

Me  “Pussy.”

As we drive through another Key, I place my first phone call in to a buddy who’s already staying down there, as to find the exact location of our first destination.  Clearly we left Orlando with no hotel reservations or even the slightest preparation.  We would have had to try, hard, to be less prepared for this trip; but hey, it’s Spring Break, it will all just work out, right?  I get a hold of my buddy and obviously he has no idea where the hotel he’s staying at is located.  He gives me a hotel name, and apparently we are to search a 5-mile island scattered with hotels to locate it.  For some reason, I accept his challenge with no questions (perhaps the skittles and the beverages are to blame).  He calls me back minutes later with a street.  “South Street” he says, which still isn’t an exact location but is a little more descriptive than his previous insight, “Somewhere in Key West.”  We continue the drive, keeping the girls from Kentucky well within our sight.

Day 1 – 5:00pm

Amazingly enough we run right into South Street, or so we think.  It was actually the same road we had been on the entire time, South US 1; we blame the skittles for this misconception.  We are traveling down US 1 and finally the street becomes 4 lanes.  The Kentucky girls go shooting passed us; their car is loaded with 5 Spring Breakers, all female.  AJ honks, because apparently if you honk at a car full of girls, one of them is contractually obligated to have sex with you.  We find an opportunity to break level with the Kentucky girls.  They are to our left, so I have to lean over AJ to scream.

Me  “Ya’ll ready for Spring Break or what?”
Hot Kentuckian #1  “Hell yeah!”
Me (asking a dumb question, but holding the conversation)  “You guys drive all the way here?”
Hot Kentuckian #1  “You know it!”
Me  “Wow you guys are dedicated, how long did that take?”
Hot Kentuckian #2  “17 hours, how bout you guys, where ya’ll from?”
AJ  “Orlando, damn our drive was 8 hours and we thought we had it bad!”
Hot Kentuckian #2  “Where ya’ll staying?”
Me  “Down on South Street, you girls?”
Hot Kentuckian #3  “We’re staying at [hotel which I can’t remember].”
Me (noticing we need to figure out how to get to our destination)  “Well you girls have fun!”
Hot Kentuckian #1  “You too, hopefully we run into ya’ll”
Me  “The feelings mutual!”

We speed ahead as they turn off right after our conversation.  Apparently girls from Kentucky aren’t lesbians.  Kentucky 1, Jersey 0.  I feel we are hastily approaching our destination and call my friend back.  He gives the phone to someone else he’s with who knows the location (I’ll explain later).  The friend gives me very elaborate and correct directions; we soon find our 1^st destination.

Day 1 – 5:30pm

We arrive at the hotel: Southern Most on the Beach.  We find a spot to park the car, and jam every piece of change we find into the meter.  We leave the bags in the car and walk towards the hotel (I hobbled because my foot actually is injured).  Allow me to digress for just a moment.

I love to drink in the shower, and I’m not just referring to alcohol.  I always considered it normal to drink in the shower, especially after working out.  Apparently it’s not that common of a practice and people find it weird.  Regardless, I had a makeshift cup holder in my shower; it was just a giant plastic cup with 3 suction cups super-glued to it.  I had that stuck to the tile wall in my shower, and I’d put whatever I was drinking inside of that.  After coming home from the gym one day, I was drinking Gatorade in the shower out of a pint glass (I told you I’m a dumbass).  After 8 months of the makeshift cup holder never failing me, it finally comes down.  I felt no pain, but I heard a loud crash.  I looked down with my fingers crossed praying that I hadn’t been cut; I should have prayed harder.  A piece of glass had sliced the top of my right foot.  If you know anything about glass, you know that it cuts deep.  Without going into great detail, the wound was really gnarly looking and I could see bone.  This had happened a week or 2 prior to Spring Break and I still had a lot of pain while walking.  Back to the story.

As I approach room 110, I knock on the door.  My buddy whom I had originally called, Rizzo (who you might remember from The Memphis Chronicles), answers the door.  It was immediately apparent to me why he was unable to give me accurate directions.  They were playing asshole, and he was wearing an empty 18-pack on his head; I forgive him instantly.  Inside, we find Bonk (the friend who gave good directions), Big Bonk (Bonk’s older, but very similar looking brother), and Franchize (another pal who enjoys Spring Breaking).  We look around the room and notice there’s one bed, and 2 separate make shift beds on a tile floor.  We soon realize that our plan to crash here any of the nights is foiled.  I mean, there’s still room, but I’d rather reside on the adjacent beach than on tile (morning hangovers are sure to be strong enough without the help of a tile floor).

We head back to the car and move it to a more permanent spot.  We find a place nearby; it’s in front of a house with no meter.  I ask a neighbor if it’s legal to park here, he replies “As long as it doesn’t say ‘resident parking’ you’ll have no problem.”  We search high and low and find no postings; we’re all good.  This spot will be Headquarters for the next couple of days.

With my boardshorts already in tact and AJ, clearly not owning a pair, leaves his jeans on as we head towards the neighboring beach to meet up with our buddies from the hotel.  On the way to the beach, we are reminded that we are in Key West.  By this I mean several eye fucks from feminine dudes wearing Hawaiian shirts, and several “bell rings” from local peddlers (people who bike around offering rides in their 2-seater carriages attached to their bikes); this will become quite common for the rest of the trip.  As we are still sober, we dismiss the weak sexual advances and go to the beach.  We meet up with our buddies and lounge around for a while.  Spring Break in Key West is about to get silly.

CONTINUE ON TO PART 2