The Key West Chronicles

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Day 3 – 6:30pm

After checking into our new bachelor pad, we drive back over to the Joads to pregame and shower.  Hey, we still desire hot water; I guess beggars can be choosers.  Once we arrive, the room is dead.  Everybody is taking part in the “6 to 9 rest period” that I have previously mentioned.  AJ and I dump our bags inside the room and plug our phones into charge.  Oh well, how can this possibly end poorly?  I head to the pool area and search for the hot tub.  When I turn around, AJ is already passed out in a lawn chair.  I dive in the hot tub and end up nestled safely between Audrey and Tracey.

Me  “What the hell are you guys doing here?”
Audrey  “Well, there’s no hot tub in my car.”
Me  “Good point.”
Tracey  “How bout you?”
Me  “Just waiting for the idiots to wake up, then we’re gonna shower and drink.”
Tracey  “Did you find a place to stay tonight?”
Me  “No.”

Ok Ok, I know I’m a scumbag.  These are my friends, how can I possibly deny them shelter?  Simply put:  because I own a penis.  But wait, these are two girls?  Surely penises, or peni if you will, and girls go hand in hand?  Well yes, they do.  However, these are good friends and my penis rests more comfortably in the hands of strange girls.  Adding 2 more people to the room makes it harder for slutty women to convince themselves that there will be any level of discretion intertwined with their promiscuity.  I notice a bottle of champagne next to Audrey and change the subject.

Me  “Do you have an extra glass?”
Audrey  “I don’t think so?”

I just glare at her until she takes the hint and hands me the bottle; this doesn’t take long.

Audrey  “Hey do you want an M&M?”
Me  “Absolutely.”

She hands me one and I wash it down with the bubbly.  Just then, a random kid stumbles over to the hot tub.  As I fully expect a random Spring Breaker to join the party, the kid is actually a kid.  He explains how he is staying at the hotel with his family.  Planning a family vacation to a Spring Break hot spot, and then leaving your kid to wander alone in the night?  This is just poor parenting.  An intervention is necessary as this child is clearly in need of guidance.  Enter me.

Me  “Kid, how old are you?”
Kid  “14.”
Me  “Don’t fuck with me kid.”
Lying Bastard  “12.”
Me  “That’s awesome.  Enjoy it.”

The kid dives into the Hot Tub and uses no subtlety in oogling my friends’ breasts.  I join him in the oogling.  It’s now time for me to teach this young chap the way of the world; allow me to digress for just a moment.

If there’s one thing I love to do, it’s to give kids advice that real adults would never actually give them.  Nothing too complex, just simple tidbits that will go a long way.  For example, when I was a summer camp counselor (I could write an entire book on this experience, and hopefully someday I will), I taught my 6-year-old campers how to act like men…

Oh, and I couldn’t remember their names so I numbered them 1 through 8.

#3  “#7 just hit me.”

Oh, and they referenced each other by their assigned numbers as well.

Me  “Well here’s the skinny #3.  You’re going to have to stop being a little bitch and hit him back.”

I could give a thousand examples, but I think you understand.  Another student of my involuntary life academy happens to be Johnny Boy’s little brother.  This young soldier has been randomly showing up at college parties throughout the years.  Although his brothers do fine job of monitoring his alcohol consumption, I take it upon myself to mind his education.

Me  “Having a good time buddy?”
Johnny Boy Jr.  “Yeah, for sure.”
Me  “Would you like to know the secret to life?”
Johnny Boy Jr.  “You smell like my step-dad.”
Me  “Well here it is… always be the 2nd drunkest person at the party.”
Johnny Boy Jr.  “What do you mean?”
Me  “As long as someone is drunker than you, nobody notices how retarded you are.”
Johnny Boy Jr.  “That makes sense.”
Me  “So just stand next to me, and you’re golden.”

I myself have taken some good advice from elders over the years.  I was at a party (bar) with some friends (alone) and struck up a conversation with a random patron…

19-Year-Old Me  “Beer is cool.”
Random Patron  “Yes it is, no matter how old you get.”
19-Year-Old Me  “How old are you?”
Random Patron  “Too old for this place.  I’ll tell ya when you start to feel old kid…”
19-Year-Old Me  “Oh yeah?  When’s that?
Sagacious Random Patron  “When you stop getting invited to 21st birthday parties and you start getting invited to weddings.”

Well friends, as it stands, I just turned 24 two weeks ago (I’m a slow typer) and I’ve been invited to 6 weddings this year.  Back to the story.

After I impart more than generous amounts of wisdom unto this youngster, Tracey and Audrey leave.  I exit as well because I’m not sure what kind of jail time you get for sitting alone in a hot tub with a 12-year-old boy.  I leave AJ be as I walk back to the Joads’ and bang on their door.  No answer.

Day 3 – 8:30pm

I knock again with that annoying pattern we all use (Duit do do do do, do do), no answer.  I look in through the blinds, the lights are off and the room is empty.  The Joads have left and have forgotten about the stragglers (AJ and I).  Wow, this is perfect.  I sprint over to the pool to wake up AJ.

Me  “Dude, they’re gone.”
AJ  “Huh?”
Me  “The Joads.  The room is empty.”
AJ  “Ok?”
Me  “Are you not getting this?”
AJ  “Apparently not.”
Me  “All of our shit is in there, including our phones.”
AJ  “Oh.  That sucks.”

In times of panic and desperation, AJ can be a very frustrating person to talk to.  We walk back to the room and loiter in front of the door.

Me  “Fuck man, now what?”
AJ  “Don’t know man, it’ll work out.”
Me  “I hate you.”

Simple people have the ability to stay calm and cavalier in situations that would make most want to throw their heads through a fish tank; never pity them.  Just then a cab screeches up and Chewy pops out!  AJ looks at me…

AJ  “Told you.”

What the fuck is going on?

Me  “Dude, what the fuck?”
Chewy  “I forgot my fucking wallet!”
Me  “You forgot US!”
Chewy  “Oh.”

The cab driver waits with the meter running as Chewy goes back into the hotel for his wallet.  Another problem: he doesn’t have a key and the room isn’t under his name.  Thank God for lackluster security in Key West, he had no problem getting a new key from the front desk (something AJ and I ultimately would have probably done).  We get into the room, and Chewy pays the cab as AJ and I will now be his ride back to Duval Street.

Me  “Do you understand that we would’ve been fucked if you hadn’t forgotten your wallet?”
Chewy  “Oh well, it worked out.”

I have 2 options right now: drink until I black out, or just let my head explode.  I send Chewy over to Publix to grab a bottle of Jager while I take a shower.  Once I’m cleaned up, all systems are a go.  It’s the last night of Spring Break, I have alcohol, I have money, I have a perfect place to stay, I have a mission: bang something (anything).  We leave the room with all of our stuff and only half a bottle of Jager left.

Day 3 – 10:00pm

After we park the car somewhere far from our hotel, we take Chewy up to see the pad.  He is so impressed that he pours us all another round of Jager (on the way to The Old Custom Hotel, we stopped to buy another bottle to keep in our mini-fridge).  It’s time to put in some phone calls.  I call 2 of the girls from UF; they text that they are still in the burlesque show.  Next I call Sarah from UNC; it’s too loud to have any idea where she is.  I rip 2 more shots of Jager.  Chewy gets a hold of the crew, and of course they are posted up next to the 2 Dollar Beer Lady.  Before we leave, I have emptied the first bottle of Jager.

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey dude, I know you think you’re cool and can drink a lot, but nobody can drink that much without blacking out.”  Well, you are correct.  It’s a good thing I blacked out early, because my memory actually comes back to me in a few hours when I need it most.

Day 4 – 12:30am (hearsay)

Our “member’s only” hotel room has now turned into a hosting area.  The mini-fridge has somehow become loaded with beer and liquor (seriously, I have no idea where it came from) and we are making trips back and forth from the streets to my room.  Let me clarify one thing: by “we”, I mean myself, Chewy and complete strangers that we are coaxing back to our place, presumably under the false pretense that we have “found their lost puppy.”  Although I’m told that I’ve swapped spit with several of these strangers (female I hope), none have stayed long enough for me to take off my pants.  My brain is turned off and any instinct I have left should tell me to pass out, but luckily my subconscious desperation takes over and allows me to keep on trucking.  Chewy and I leave the room as I lock the door behind me; I will not see him again until we reunite in Orlando.

Day 4 – 2:15am (memory fading in and out)

I’m alone, shitfaced, lost, and drooling on myself; my parents should have aborted me.  By some miracle of God, I run into Mere!  Someone I recognize, and more importantly, someone who recognizes me!  She is being trailed by another random bag of douche, but she is also with a female friend.  My laidar zeros in and the words “Last Chance” flash in neon red lights on this girl’s forehead.  I bring the now 4some back to my lair to rip some shots of whatever I can find.  Oh, I’ll also mention that I haven’t seen AJ since we killed the first bottle of Jager.  Everyone is impressed with my pad and the free shots.  We go to Irish Kevin’s for 1 last hurrah.

Day 4 – 3:30am

I might not know much, but I do know that time is of the essence.  Mere stumbles somewhere with the random douche bag and I continue to impress her friend with my mastery of the Russian language.  Well folks, I did manage to whisper one comprehensible English sentence into this girl’s ear…

Me  “Hey, you want to take a couple more shots at my place?”
Last Chance  “Sure.”

Game.  Set.  Match.

Once at my place, my pants are off before I can shut the door.  Last Chance is worried that AJ is going to walk in on us; I assure her that he is dead.  We still manage to rip another shot before making our way over to the bed.  The room is empty; only God knows what’s happened to AJ.  Once the intense dry humping has begun, she speaks…

Last Chance  “Do you have a condom?”
Me  “Uh yeah?  Do you want to hold it while we have sex?”

My wit is on; I cannot be stopped.

Last Chance  “No, put it on idiot.”

I guess her wit is on as well.  But before I can strap up, her phone rings.  It’s Mere.

Me  “Answer it, this could be funny.”

She does, and as she talks to Mere, I try my best to distract her.

Me  “Hey, tell her what I’m doing to you right now.”
Last Chance  “No, you’re disgustiing.”
Me  “It’s kinda funny?”
Last Chance (into phone) “Mere, I’ll call you back.”

Ok boys and girls, no more beating around the bush (wow, that’s an awesome phrase for a time like this): it’s game time.  Now, this a family site and I do have a mother, so please excuse me for using the “F” word, but in short, we fornicated.

Day 4 – 4:00am

So we are off to a good start; how things are pointing anywhere but down, I’ll never understand.  Somewhere in the middle of this masterful performance (sloppy mess), my phone starts to ring.  It’s Sarah from UNC!  Why wouldn’t I pick up mid-thrust?

Last Chance  “What are you doing?”
Me  “Answering my phone.”
Last Chance  “Now?  Really?”
Me  “Sure why not?”
Last Chance  “Because we are in the middle of something.”
Me  “It could be funny?”

Last Chance shrugs it off with an uncomfortable laugh as I grab my phone.  Sarah sounds like she is not afraid of a good time (prom-style drunk).

Me  “Hey oooooo!”
Sarah  “Heyyyyy.  What are you doing?”
Me  “Having sex.”
Sarah  “You’re so funny!”
Me  “I know.  What’s going on?”
Sarah  “Not much, just back at my hotel.  It’s my last night.”

Apparently Sarah has labeled me as Last Chance.  I can hear her drunk friends giggling (vomiting) in the background.

Me  “So listen, can I call you back in a little bit?”
Sarah  “Um yeah.  Do you want to come over to my hotel?”

When it rains, it pours.

Me  “I’m not sure I’ll be able to?”
Sarah  “Oh, that’s too bad.  Why?”
Me  “Well, because the girl I’m having sex with right now might not approve?”
Sarah  “Hahaha, you’re crazy.”
Me  “Do you wanna say hi?”
Sarah  “Hah… wait, what?  Are you being serious?”
Me  “Yeah, here…”

I had the phone to Last Chance.  She just looks at me with utter disbelief.

Last Chance  “Hello?”

I wish I could’ve heard what Sarah was saying, because I’m sure it was awesome.  After about 30 seconds, Last Chance hands the phone back to me.

Me  “So can I call ya back?”
Sarah  “You really are crazy.  But hey, it’s Spring Break, so sure!”
Me  “I think I love you.”

I hang up with Sarah and focus most of my attention back on Last Chance.  She is looking at me like she’s not really sure what just happened.

Last Chance  “You were right, that actually was kinda funny.”
Me  “I know.”

We continue to laugh/moan/mate.  After some time passes, another scenario presents itself.  I realize my raincoat is no longer where I had originally hung it?  Oh shit.  I really hope I don’t have to “go fishing”; allow me to digress for just a moment.

I know I can’t be the only guy who has “gone fishing” after a sexual oops.  If you are not familiar with this expression, I’ll explain it to you.  It’s when the condom comes off inside your mate and you have to go find it.  I’m sorry mom and dad.  Anyways, this usually happens with girlfriends.  After climax, they insist that you just lay still with them and enjoy their company (disgusting, I know).  However, after a few minutes of still-penetrated spooning, things aren’t as stiff as they once were, so the condom now becomes “relaxed fit”.  If you aren’t careful, you can accidently leave it behind as you hastily pull out on your way over to the shower to scrub the sin from your member.  With random girls, this usually doesn’t happen.  With or without a condom, the second the deed is done, you get out with zero hesitation, drop your unit in a bucket of bleach, and promise God that you will never have sex again as long as he keeps your manhood from turning green and falling off.  The next night, you repeat this routine.  Back to the story.

Me  “We have a problem.”
Last Chance  “What’s that?”
Me  “It came off.”
Last Chance  “What?!  Are you serious?!”
Me  “Yeah, I don’t know where it is.”

Last Chance’s concerned tone quickly changes to laughter.

Me  “This won’t be funny when I have to push you down a staircase.”
Last Chance  “Look down idiot.”

I look down, and yes I am an idiot.  The condom is still on.  Apparently, I was just too preoccupied (shit-faced) to notice.

Me  “Whoops.  Sorry about that.  Should I keep going?”
Last Chance  “Yes, you should.”

Day 4 – 5:15am

Now here we are, just about to break into the 3rd act, and everything seems to be going smoothly.  Well, we all know that’s not gonna happen.  Just as I take out my 3rd and final neon-green water balloon of a prophylactic, Last Chance drops a bomb…

Last Chance  “Hey, I have a question for you.”

Never a good thing.

Me  “Ok?”
Last Chance  “What’s my name?”

Fuck.  Me.  I have absolutely no idea.  All I know is that it’s probably not “Last Chance”.  You hear about this kinda thing happening to friends, and you see it in the movies, but until it actually happens to you, you can’t quite understand how uncomfortably hilarious it actually is.  In true stereotype fashion, I attempt to laugh it off with some psychological wit.

Me (laughing) “You’re crazy.  Of course I know what it is.”
Last Chance  “Oh really?  What is it?”
Me  “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

All the smoke and mirrors in the world can’t get me out of this one.  I desperately scramble for an idea of a name, but I got nothing.  Her playful tone is now turning to a serious one.

Last Chance  “You really don’t know my name?”
Me  “I do, just stop asking me.  You’re making me feel uncomfortable.”
Last Chance  “I’m making you uncomfortable?!?!  You don’t even know my fucking name.”

Right then, I hear snickering coming from the other side of the room.  We both go silent.

Me  “AJ?”
Blanket Outline Of AJ  “Yeah?”
Last Chance  “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”

AJ bursts out laughing.  He has been laying on his pull-out mattress the ENTIRE TIME.  Last Chance gets up, frantically searches for clothes, and then storms out of the room.

Me  “Wait!  Don’t go… Lisa?”
Last Chance  “It’s Kelly!”

The door slams behind her.  I take this time to catch up with my buddy.

Me  “Man, how long have you been in here?”
AJ  “I don’t know… at least since that UNC girl called.”
Me  “That’s awesome.  Hey, please tell me you know that girl’s name?”
AJ  “Not a clue.”
Me  “Fuck.”
AJ  “Who cares?”

Here’s the problem: she is Mere’s best friend.  If I let her roam the streets of Key West by herself at 6am, then I will be held responsible when she’s raped and pillaged by the local homosexuals.  I throw on some pants and hustle outside, fully expecting have to search the streets high and low.  To my surprise, she is sitting outside the front door with 2 new friends.

Day 4 – 6:00am

Just when you think life can’t get anymore hilarious, the random Spring Break girl who’s name you’ve just forgotten is now sitting on the porch of your hotel room talking with 2 random homeless kids that have helped themselves to your porch’s hammock.  Read that sentence again so it has a chance to sink in.  While most might panic or react unfavorably in this situation, I just stumble back inside and grab a round of beers for my new vagabond buddies.  I have a lot of questions for these two…

Me  “Hey fellas, what’s going on?”
Teen Bum #1  “Not much, just hanging out.”
Me  “Right on.  Are you guys homeless?”
Teen Bum #2  “Yup.”
Me  “It happens.  Do you sleep on this hammock a lot?”
Teen Bum #1  “Oh yeah man, this hotel is a hot spot for those lacking shelter.”
Me  “Really, that’s awesome.”
Kelly  “Ok, I’m gonna go.”
Me  “Wait, just stay.  I’m sorry.  Plus, you don’t know where your hotel is and Mere will kill me if you die.”
Teen Bum #1 (to Kelly)  “Why are you leaving?”
Me  “Let me fill you in…”

And I do.  They agree with me and do not see why Kelly is getting so bent out of shape over a little name mishap.

Teen Bum #1  “Hey, it’s Spring Break?”

I love this kid; he reminds me of myself from the previous 2 nights.

Finally, Kelly laughs it off and decides to stay the night, or at least until the sun comes up and she can safely take the trolley back to her hotel.  She heads inside as I finish another beer with my new friends.

Me  “Pretty hot right?”
Teen Bum #1  “Oh yeah man, good job.”
Me  “Thanks Jager.”
Teen Bum #1  “Say man, can we use your shower in a bit?”
Me  “Oh absolutely, it’s only cold water though?”
Teen Bum #1  “That’s fine.  We’ll take whatever.”
Me  “Sure, now?”
Teen Bum #1  “We will sleep for a couple hours first.”
Me  “Sounds good.  You guys need pillows or anything?”
Teen Bum #1  “We’re all good.”
Me  “Alright fellas, see ya in a couple hours.”
Teen Bum #1  “Thanks for the beers man.”
Teen Bum #2  “Yeah, thanks.”
Me  “My pleasure.”

I head back inside and lock the door (just in case).  I step over a now sleeping AJ and dive back into bed next to Kelly.

Me  “This might be a long shot, but I still have another condom?”

Day 4 – 9:00am

I perk-up as the sunlight shines brightly through the hotel window.  There is a girl next to me; it takes me about 20 minutes to figure out what’s going on.  I walk outside to look for last night’s visitors; the Teen Bums are gone.  Could this all have been a dream?  I test the waters…

Me  “Hey Lindsay, are you awake?”
Not Lindsay  “It’s Kelly asshole.”

Ok, not a dream.  She slowly regains consciousness, as does AJ after I overzealously dive onto his mattress.  We pack up shop and vacate the room.  No one is at the front desk to collect our key, so I just slide it under the door.  This place is the posterchild for legit.  The car is parked far away, so as I hobble (remember the hurt foot), Kelly insults me.

Kelly  “Let’s go gimpy.”
Me  “Listen Tina, I don’t need any of your guff.”

I continue to call her fictitious names for my amusement, until she says something so awesome that I have never forgotten it…

Me  “So, Jeff, do you do this kinda stuff a lot?”
Kelly  “Not really.”

Sure.

Me  “Damn AJ, I don’t remember the car being this far away?”
AJ  “Yeah, me neither.”

Kelly chimes in with some awesomeness…

Kelly  “This is the longest walk of shame I’ve ever had to make.”

Kelly, I love you.  We finally get to the car, load the bags, and agree to escort Kelly back to her and Mere’s hotel.  On the way I thought I had lost my debit card so we had to stop at 3 or 4 bars; I later realized it was in my pocket.  We drop Kelly off at Mere’s, I thank Mere for lending her to me, and then my Spring Break amigo and I hit the road back towards good ol’ O-town.  On the way home, we took the Turnpike the entire way.  Do NOT do this.  It cost us over 20 bucks, which we didn’t have, so they took AJ’s address off his driver’s license and billed it to his house.

Here’s a quick recap:

1)  Spring Break is fun with no money or place to stay.
2)  Spring Break is fun with plenty of booze and Skittles.
3)  Spring Break girls will take off their clothes if you promise to film them.
4)  Spring Break security guards are as gay as regular security guards.
5)  Spring Break hook ups will always be forgotten.

AJ  “See, didn’t I tell you man?”
Me  “Tell me what?”
AJ  “That it would all work out?”
Me  “I guess you did my friend.  I guess you did.”