The Santa Barbara Chronicles

Part 1

Part 2

About a month prior to this voyage, I was out partying with Dnasty and two female rocket scientists he called co-workers.  At the time, Dnasty worked at Chili’s; I should have seen this red flag from a mile away.  Drinking all the beers in the world couldn’t make these girls interesting (attractive), and trust me we tried.  So much so that when the bar tried to boot us out at 2am and all of the liquor stores were closed, I pleaded with the bartender to sell me some “to go” beers because my goggles still weren’t strong enough Keep reading…

The Santa Barbara Chronicles

Part 1

Ah Halloween, God’s gift to men.  It’s such a glorious holiday.  Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all of those other meaningless holidays, all of your prayers are finally answered when you catch a glimpse of a smokin’ hot college chick dressed as a slutty nun.  And she’s certainly not alone, an army of Halloween enthusiasts accompanies her: a slutty schoolgirl, a slutty nurse, a slutty sailor, a slutty cop, and the rest of the village people, all slutted-out of course.  This year I have decided to head to Santa Barbara with two buddies to party in the Isla Vista area with a gaggle of UCSB college kids.  Rumor has it that 60,000 college kids infest this 1 square-mile of land for a night of chaos.  How could this Keep reading…

The Key West Chronicles

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Day 3 – 6:30pm

After checking into our new bachelor pad, we drive back over to the Joads to pregame and shower.  Hey, we still desire hot water; I guess beggars can be choosers.  Once we arrive, the room is dead.  Everybody is taking part in the “6 to 9 rest period” that I have previously mentioned.  AJ and I dump our bags inside the room and plug our phones into charge.  Oh well, how can this possibly end poorly?  I head to the pool area and search for the hot tub.  When I turn around, AJ is already passed out Keep reading…

The Key West Chronicles

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Day 3 – 7:00am

If you haven’t noticed yet, sleep is a rare commodity on this voyage.  I’d have to say throughout the trip’s duration, I probably accumulated 10 hours or so of actual sleep; thank God for Red Bull, Tilt, Skittles, and adrenaline.  Anyways, back to the journey.  I break out of my sleep as rain begins to pour down.  If only piers came equipped with roofing, life would be good.  I look next to me and see AJ covered by some sort of magical unicorn blanket that repelled water and wind while insulating warmth.  I try to find shelter under my poorly chosen sheets (pillow case and towel), but this is a fruitless attempt.  My bedding absorbs water instead of repelling it, helping to keep me cold and Keep reading…

The Key West Chronicles

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Day 2 – 6:30pm

Just as I start to get cozy, I hear my name being summoned in the distance.  It’s Franchize.  Him, along with Rizzo and the Bonks, have just returned from the beach (we briefly ran into them as we were packing up our stuff).  Franchize shouts my name as he spots me on his walk to their room.  I use all my strength to throw my arm into the air, signifying I’m still conscious.  They all pile into the room, and again I try to “nap it out”.

Day 2 – 7:00pm

After getting a nice, long rest (30 minutes), I crawl out of the chair and hobble back to the hotel room.  Again it’s locked, and the “not so secret key” is nowhere to be found Keep reading…